Pamper

Stress has always caused my hands and nails to go to crap.  So they're in really great shape right now (heavy hint of sarcasm).

I've noticed in recent lunch time shopping expeditions that Revlon now has a 'nail bar' in Myer, and the prices seemed pretty reasonable to me.  I figure a bit of pampering and me time is fair at the moment, so I treated myself to the Deluxe manicure yesterday, done by the lovely Laura.

I'm really not used to having polish on my nails and it's taking some getting used to.  I used to wear it a lot and even went through a goth stage with black nails in my late teens, but it's been years since I last wore any!

I initially chose a blue shade called Midnight which I really liked - I thought it would work well with jeans for the weekend.  Sadly it just looked odd on my very short nails - I'm hoping it's just an 'I'm not used to it' thing.    So I went with a beige shade called Bare Bones.  Even that's taken getting used to, but it's growing on me.

Dangerous and unsentimental

Mr Trifectagirl with his cardiac issues was on a plethora of drugs.  Since he passed, one thing I've been wanting to do is get them out of the house - they're pretty dangerous.  Particularly with a curious monkey of a 17 month old running (ummm climbing) all over the place.

They were stored in a kid-proof medicine box, but I knew I'd be far more comfortable with them completely out of the house.   

I finally felt up to that task last week.  I also cleared out my out of date meds such as uncompleted courses of antibiotics and even some drugs left over from the pregnancy.

I took the safest method of disposal - took them to the pharmacy for them to dispose of.  Much safer than dumping them down the loo.

My niece (step-mum's granddaughter) has started a bridging course to get into university this week, so I've also handed over some of the stationary stockpile Mr Trifectagirl had accumulated.  It's unsentimental stuff, and he'd be thrilled to be helping her in her studies in a small way.

It's begining to look a lot like Christmas...

Mother-In-Law is wheelchair bound and relies on access cabs for transportation.  This means that Christmas has to be organised way,way in advance so we actually get a cab booking for reasonable times.  So I've already been turning my thoughts to our first Christmas without Mr Trifectagirl.

Christmas time will be around the 6 month mark since Mr Trifectagirl passed,  so I'm expecting it to be doubly rough - first Christmas and six months in one hit.

Fortunately we did a few things last year as a family that I have photographs of.  The Zoo's member family BBQ, Elf on the Shelf (which Mr Trifectagirl hated), going to the Brewery Garden light display, Christmas Eve and Christmas morning services.   I can keep these as family traditions for J, along with my baking traditions.  I can also talk to Mother in Law and see if there were any traditions from Mr Trifectagirl's childhood I could add back in.

I'm thinking of going to the lights on the 14th, being the date of the month we lost Mr Trifectagirl.

The day itself, I have no idea on what will happen apart from going to Christmas morning service.  Hopefully Sister and her baby (who will be 2-3 months old, depending on when it decides to arrive) will decide to come too.

Gift wise, I'm glad I found the 'something you want, something you need, something to wear and something to read' guideline - I could be spending so much money on J if I don't keep to this.  I will add something from Santa and something to make/do which can be used to while away the post-Christmas lunch slump in the afternoon.  While we play that age-old sport - watching to see if Grandpa falls off his chair when he falls asleep.

And I can't forget the really bad Christmas Tree costume Mr Trifectagirl bought for J in the sales last year.  It should be delightful!

Ashes - What to do with His Ashes

Last week I collected Mr Trifectagirl's ashes.  On picking up the box, my first thought was 'he's not lost much weight'.  I'd forgotten how heavy they are. 

I've been through the process of collecting ashes before - my Mum and Step-Dad both passed in 2008.

Sister and I were quite amused when we collected them because they came in their own Cemeteries Authority heavy paper shopping bag - like you get from high-end clothing stores.  They would have cracked up also.  At least we held our giggles until we got in the car.

We had instructions on what to do with Mum and Step-Dad - half into the wall at cemetery where they lived, half to be mixed together and buried with the dog on their property.  Instructions were duly followed.  We even used Mum's stock-pot to mix the remaining ashes together - Dad was horrified. 

Back to Mr Trifectagirl.  I had no instructions.  I could only assume cremation was his preferred option and have part of him, at least, with his dad.  I could inter, scatter or do whatever comes up with the remainder. 

So I have a few options. 

I will probably hold an amount to scatter in Ireland along with his dad (who's ashes are still under my bed).  The plan was for Mr Trifectagirl to scatter them there, so I'm happy to follow that wish in years to come.

Some of the personal memorial options, like compressing the ashes to a diamond, have never appealed, but I have found this which I'm considering:  http://www.memoryglass.com/.  I like the idea of the swirl design with our wedding colours. Mr Trifectagirl had an appreciation for sculpture, so it's fitting and doesn't seem wrong for him.

The remainder I'll probably inter at our church - hopefully in the renovated gardens that are planned.  As Mother In Law is also a member of the congregation, I can also inter his dad there, and mother when she passes.

And I need remember to save space for part of me with Mr Trifectagirl when the time comes, too. 

But for the moment, he's on my dressing table, holding my jewelry. 

Saying goodbye

We had the funeral earlier this week.  It was about as perfect as it could be.

Rev. J (yes, our minister and son nearly have the same name) did a brilliant job, especially since he struggled saying goodbye to a friend.  Having someone who knew Mr Trifectagirl well, and loved and cared for him, really made a big difference in the whole feel of the service.

The photo montage I put together was perfect.  The friends that agreed to deliver the eulogy did a brilliant job - as did all of us who collectively wrote it.

Saying the final goodbye was excrutiatingly painful.  It was the first time I have really sobbed since Mr Trifectagirl passed away. 

I've been ok - since the funeral I have been having bad moments rather than bad days.  But I'm not sure the reality has really, really sunk in yet.

Preparations

Tomorrow will be Mr Trifectagirl's Funeral and today I did something I never thought I'd be able to do - see my dead husband's body, lying in his coffin.  I couldn't look enough to do a formal ID, his mother did that duty.  But I am glad I saw him.  I couldn't ID my mother or my step-father.  I never saw any of my grandparents.  I have bad memories of looking at my mother in the hospital after she passed, so I didn't think I could see Mr Trifectagirl at all.

He looked so unlike him - a grim-set mouth, rather than the beaming smile that lit up a room, especially if J was in it.  I really could only stand at the edge of the room and look at the top of his head.  For some reason, that still looked like him. 

I've spent much of the last week preparing the memorial slide show for him.  I was lucky that he happened to have a collection of his baby photos stashed in a trunk in our house, rather than burried in the storage locker where so many of his belongings still are.  I even found his birth notice.

But with all these distractions closing, the reality of the situation is starting to sink in.  I felt like, and let myself jump up and down stamping my feet at the injustice of it all outside the church today after checking that my hard work on the slide-show would actually work on the system.  Apart from a few crying sessions, it's the first time I've let it out physically.  And if felt right.

Good Days and Bad

A week and a half later, and I'm coping. 

I have good days and bad. The bad are mostly when I realise I won't see Mr Trifectagirl again, and he is not coming back.   Thursday was really hard, being the one week mark and when I did a lot of the funeral planning, but I've been ok since then.  I've found an online group and a local meet-up for young widows/widowers with young children that I'll be tapping into.

Working on the funeral has been hard at times, but heartwarming at others.  I've learned new skills this week working on the funeral - I can do basic stuff in Windows Movie Maker and Audacity. 

Today will be a harder day as a number of Mr Trifectagirl's friends are coming to help finalise funeral plans, but it will be really nice to be with his life-long friends and to hear stories.