Monday, 25 June 2012

Preparations

Tomorrow will be Mr Trifectagirl's Funeral and today I did something I never thought I'd be able to do - see my dead husband's body, lying in his coffin.  I couldn't look enough to do a formal ID, his mother did that duty.  But I am glad I saw him.  I couldn't ID my mother or my step-father.  I never saw any of my grandparents.  I have bad memories of looking at my mother in the hospital after she passed, so I didn't think I could see Mr Trifectagirl at all.

He looked so unlike him - a grim-set mouth, rather than the beaming smile that lit up a room, especially if J was in it.  I really could only stand at the edge of the room and look at the top of his head.  For some reason, that still looked like him. 

I've spent much of the last week preparing the memorial slide show for him.  I was lucky that he happened to have a collection of his baby photos stashed in a trunk in our house, rather than burried in the storage locker where so many of his belongings still are.  I even found his birth notice.

But with all these distractions closing, the reality of the situation is starting to sink in.  I felt like, and let myself jump up and down stamping my feet at the injustice of it all outside the church today after checking that my hard work on the slide-show would actually work on the system.  Apart from a few crying sessions, it's the first time I've let it out physically.  And if felt right.

4 comments:

  1. (((HUGS))) Feeling like this is a totally understandable. Your an amazing and strong lady; you've had a number of losses in your life, and you've more than paid your dues.

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  2. You are SO strong! Letting yourself feel it when it's right is the very best you can do {{{HUGS}}}

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  3. Oh Kerryl, many many hugs to you. I'm glad you were able to let it out a little when you felt the need to. I can't begin to imagine what it must be like to be planning your husband's funeral especially with J being so little. Please know I'm keeping you close in my thoughts and prayers.
    Stacy

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  4. Kerryl, you are amazingly strong! I think letting it out is the best way to deal with it all, ya know? Thinking of you and J.
    By the way, when my Grandma passed away 4 years ago, I saw her in the coffin and she didn't look like herself at all. Her smile was completely off. It was only when we stood behind her head and off at an angle, that it looked JUST like her.
    Ironic, eh? (Haven't thought about that in forever...)

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