Monday, 4 February 2013

Politics and Elections

What a week in Australian politics - the Federal election called for September, change in leadership in the South Australian opposition, arrests, pollies opening their mouths to insert their foot...   TV news has been saturated with it.

My Mum was active in politics and  Mr Trifectagirl had been very actively involved in both of our political parties in his life. We came to the conclusion that 20 or so years ago, we were probably at the same events!

As such we'd often discuss what was going on. 

Maybe this is another reason the surgery anniversary is hitting hard.

The house is very quiet even with a 2 year old boy in residence.   I'm very conscious of both the lack of insults being slung at the TV as particular politicians come on screen and open their mouths, and the conversations I'm not having. 

Sunday, 3 February 2013

Death March

Many widows who now count their journey in years talk about the death march - the physical and emotional experience in the lead up to the anniversary of their partner's death. No matter what else has passed, including re-partnering, the body keeps those memories and marks time.

My grief shows itself physically.  For the last week or so, I've been feeling like crap - unable to eat, sleeping even worse than usual, actually feeling the effects of my life-long tendency not to drink water, very short with J and struggling to deal with the 2 year old meltdowns that have appeared.

So it looks like my death march has begun, even though the 'deathaversary' isn't until June.  

I've actually been feeling pretty good.  University starts next week and I've reached the milestone of being able to take my wedding rings off - the time felt right. 

So I've been trying to think 'why now'.  I've know all along that I've been grieving on a two-date rhythm based on when Mr Trifectagirl got sick, and then passed.  And for my experience, the illness date is the stronger of the two  and the anniversary of him getting sick is 6 weeks or so away.

Then it dawned on me as the calendar flipped into February there is a third date I hadn't been conscious of, February 22nd - the date of the surgery that lead to his illness. The surgery I still believe that if he'd listend to doctor's orders, he could have avoided in the first place.

It doesn't help that prior to the 22nd I have J's 2nd birthday, the first without his father, and cupid day.  Not that it was big for us, it's just freaking everywhere and a reminder of what has gone. 

At least now that I've identified what's going on, I can do what I can to take care of myself.

I still don't feel like eating, though.