Friday, 29 June 2012

Saying goodbye

We had the funeral earlier this week.  It was about as perfect as it could be.

Rev. J (yes, our minister and son nearly have the same name) did a brilliant job, especially since he struggled saying goodbye to a friend.  Having someone who knew Mr Trifectagirl well, and loved and cared for him, really made a big difference in the whole feel of the service.

The photo montage I put together was perfect.  The friends that agreed to deliver the eulogy did a brilliant job - as did all of us who collectively wrote it.

Saying the final goodbye was excrutiatingly painful.  It was the first time I have really sobbed since Mr Trifectagirl passed away. 

I've been ok - since the funeral I have been having bad moments rather than bad days.  But I'm not sure the reality has really, really sunk in yet.

Monday, 25 June 2012


Tomorrow will be Mr Trifectagirl's Funeral and today I did something I never thought I'd be able to do - see my dead husband's body, lying in his coffin.  I couldn't look enough to do a formal ID, his mother did that duty.  But I am glad I saw him.  I couldn't ID my mother or my step-father.  I never saw any of my grandparents.  I have bad memories of looking at my mother in the hospital after she passed, so I didn't think I could see Mr Trifectagirl at all.

He looked so unlike him - a grim-set mouth, rather than the beaming smile that lit up a room, especially if J was in it.  I really could only stand at the edge of the room and look at the top of his head.  For some reason, that still looked like him. 

I've spent much of the last week preparing the memorial slide show for him.  I was lucky that he happened to have a collection of his baby photos stashed in a trunk in our house, rather than burried in the storage locker where so many of his belongings still are.  I even found his birth notice.

But with all these distractions closing, the reality of the situation is starting to sink in.  I felt like, and let myself jump up and down stamping my feet at the injustice of it all outside the church today after checking that my hard work on the slide-show would actually work on the system.  Apart from a few crying sessions, it's the first time I've let it out physically.  And if felt right.

Sunday, 24 June 2012

Good Days and Bad

A week and a half later, and I'm coping. 

I have good days and bad. The bad are mostly when I realise I won't see Mr Trifectagirl again, and he is not coming back.   Thursday was really hard, being the one week mark and when I did a lot of the funeral planning, but I've been ok since then.  I've found an online group and a local meet-up for young widows/widowers with young children that I'll be tapping into.

Working on the funeral has been hard at times, but heartwarming at others.  I've learned new skills this week working on the funeral - I can do basic stuff in Windows Movie Maker and Audacity. 

Today will be a harder day as a number of Mr Trifectagirl's friends are coming to help finalise funeral plans, but it will be really nice to be with his life-long friends and to hear stories.

Saturday, 16 June 2012

It's Over

Mr Trifectagirl passed away peacefully in his sleep two days ago. 

The stress and hell of the last 3 months is now over.

I had been to see him the night before, and was able to tell him I loved him, thank him for being my husband and for our son.  And to tell him is was ok to leave us if he needed to.

We are now in the process of planning the funeral.

At this stage I am  operating on auto-pilot, but am ok. I have good moments and bad moments, but I'm focused on a 16 month old little boy who needs his mummy.

Thursday, 7 June 2012

Sleep Routines

While Mr Trifectagirl's health issues are continuing, J and I have been staying with my father (Grandpa) and step-mother (Anjeanie).  It takes some of the load off (no need to go shopping, do laundry, cook etc), we have support around us and they live closer to the hospital if I need to get in there quickly.

While here, to help J settle for sleep we started to wind up Anjeanie's dolly that plays Fur Elise.  J now associates this dolly with Sleep.

During one time at the hospital we all happened to be there, Anjeanie mentioned this to J's Nanna (Mr Trifectagirl's Mother) and that we're on the look-out for something similar to have at home when we get back.  She says she has something.

It's a hideous souvenir Koala that plays Waltzing Matilda.  The wind-up mechanism in the tummy is a bit of a design flaw.  I don't blame her for wanting to pass it on!!  Mr Trifectagirl is declining, was pretty tired and not responding much when she gave it to me in his room.  Even he grimiced at the sight of it.

We were worried that it would scare J, so introduced it to him this morning.

And J LOVES it - Koala got big cuddles.

No accounting for taste.

Friday, 1 June 2012

Round and round the hospital...

I've not been blogging the last couple of weeks as Mr Trifectagirl wound up back in ICU a few days after my last post.  

The stent had resulted in a slow leak type bleed, and he managed to bring up quite a bit of blood - in front of me.

The docs went in to see the source of the bleed, and decided that the stent needed to come out, but wouldn't as scar tissue had started to grow around it.  So he was taken to ICU again while they came up with a plan. 

They decided to put down a second stent with the hope that it would push said scar tissue out the way and free up stent #1 for removal.

Then we had some infection issues crop up, which he recovered from pretty quickly once they got meds into him.

He was meant to be in surgery today to remove both stents, but late yesterday they decided that it was just too dangerous to try.  Stent #1 is so embedded in his oesophagus, they risk too much damage that would be fatal if they tried to take it out.

So both stents are staying, with the hope that they eventually get enough scar tissue to seal the site and stop this bleeding.    If they continue to dribble as they have been, he'll simply get blood transfusions to top him back up - as long as there's blood available.   There is still a risk of a catastrophic failure/bleed, but taking the risk of that gives Mr Trifectagirl the best chance of getting as good a recovery from the stroke as is possible. And J and I to have a husband and father around as long as possible.

So basically his status at the moment is he's a stroke patient, with a medical glitch to manage. 

On a side note: J loves 'round and round the garden, like a teddy bear', and walking to the ICU after he'd been shifted back 'round and round the hospital, like Mr Trifectagirl' popped into my head.  Mr Trifectagirl didn't like the joke at all. Most other people, including the doctors in the ICU, thought it was clever.