I am now over all the firsts since Mr Trifectagirl passed on 14 June 2012; birthdays, Christmas, Mr Trifectagirl getting sick, our wedding anniversary (4 June) and his passing.
The hardest period was the anniversary of him getting sick in March. Over the course of a month, I accessed psychology services, was advised to leave my job and I dropped both travel plans and subjects at university to relieve the pressure I was under and free up the mental space to grieve. A couple of months later, and I'm feeling a lot better.
The passing anniversary last Friday was the second hardest and has manifested itself as an inability to focus on anything for about a week around the date. Especially difficult to focus on was my accounting textbook and exam review (exam was yesterday, I think I'll pass, but don't quote me on it...).
So now, J and I are marching into year 2 without Mr Trifectagirl.
Tuesday, 18 June 2013
Sunday, 19 May 2013
Retirement Plans
I came across an idea this morning that really grabbed me.
Taryn over at Widow's Voice is gearing up for a trip to India. As part of the post she mentioned a 'Once in a Lifetime Trip, Once a Year'.
I REALLY like this idea!! For years I've been building a list of trips I'd like to take, so I can add this concept to my savings plan and my plans for retirement (only some 20-odd years down the track...)
Taryn over at Widow's Voice is gearing up for a trip to India. As part of the post she mentioned a 'Once in a Lifetime Trip, Once a Year'.
I REALLY like this idea!! For years I've been building a list of trips I'd like to take, so I can add this concept to my savings plan and my plans for retirement (only some 20-odd years down the track...)
- Climb Kilimanjaro
- Visit Sri Lanka, probably as part of a cricket tour
- Visit Argentina
- Cruise Alaska
Trips Mr Trifectagirl & I wanted to take as a family so our children would have the experience are also on the list, but will wait until J is a bit older and he'll remember them.
- Travel the UK from John o'Groats to Lands End.
- Travel the East Cost of the USA, top to bottom.
- Do a Dawn Service at Galipolli
I also want to scatter part of Mr Trifectagirl's ashes with some of those of his father in Cork, Ireland. I'll wait until J is older so that he can remember it.
Sunday, 12 May 2013
Looking into the Future
A few weeks ago I found Mr Trifectagirl's high school report cards. His grades were generally OK, particularly in the early years, but he was described as a 'distraction' in class and his grades began to reflect that as he got older.
Two thoughts from having found those reports:
1 - I would have HATED to be his teacher.
2 - A friend mentioned that I'm probably looking into the future. She's probably right.
Friends who are choosing to send their children outside of the public school system are starting to look at schools, or receive offers of places at their chosen schools. Competition can be stiff for entry; one friend did a school tour recently planning for their 7 week old's primary school education.
Since J will start primary school in February 2016, I figured it's time to get off my butt and look at schools, both for primary and high school. For primary, I'm generally happy to send J to public school, but I've always preferred to go private for high school; Mr Trifectagirl wanted his old public school, which I wasn't too adverse to, but it wasn't my first choice.
So I did some research on the public primary school our house is zoned for. It's what is known as a 'super school', where 4 smaller schools have been brought together onto one campus. Although it's all new facilities, I'm not too impressed with the size. On the plus side, at least it's only "Birth to Year 7", not "Birth to Year 12" like many of the other new super schools Add that results in the national standardised testing place the school at the lower end of achievement and since it's a new amalgamation, there's no historical data to see if there is a trend of improvement, I'm just not comfortable with this school. So I'm going for 'out of zone' enrollment for a couple of selected public schools, with hopes of moving into the relevant zone by the time school starts or at least within the first year. I just need to finish my own studies, then get a job so I can get a mortgage to move!
For middle and high school, this week I put is name down for one of the most elite (and therefore expensive) boys schools in the city. With Mr Trifectagirl no longer with us, the structure this school will provide may well be needed, especially if J is likely to reproduce his father's report cards! I've been asked why I'm getting his name on the list now for Year 7 entry in 2023. For entry at any level, the school gives preference to brothers of current scholars and sons and grandsons of old scholars. Since J is in neither of these categories, I want his name as far up the 'unconnected' list as I can get it. It doesn't mean we have to accept any place offered, but right now I need to set up the opportunity to get an opportunity to go there.
Two thoughts from having found those reports:
1 - I would have HATED to be his teacher.
2 - A friend mentioned that I'm probably looking into the future. She's probably right.
Friends who are choosing to send their children outside of the public school system are starting to look at schools, or receive offers of places at their chosen schools. Competition can be stiff for entry; one friend did a school tour recently planning for their 7 week old's primary school education.
Since J will start primary school in February 2016, I figured it's time to get off my butt and look at schools, both for primary and high school. For primary, I'm generally happy to send J to public school, but I've always preferred to go private for high school; Mr Trifectagirl wanted his old public school, which I wasn't too adverse to, but it wasn't my first choice.
So I did some research on the public primary school our house is zoned for. It's what is known as a 'super school', where 4 smaller schools have been brought together onto one campus. Although it's all new facilities, I'm not too impressed with the size. On the plus side, at least it's only "Birth to Year 7", not "Birth to Year 12" like many of the other new super schools Add that results in the national standardised testing place the school at the lower end of achievement and since it's a new amalgamation, there's no historical data to see if there is a trend of improvement, I'm just not comfortable with this school. So I'm going for 'out of zone' enrollment for a couple of selected public schools, with hopes of moving into the relevant zone by the time school starts or at least within the first year. I just need to finish my own studies, then get a job so I can get a mortgage to move!
For middle and high school, this week I put is name down for one of the most elite (and therefore expensive) boys schools in the city. With Mr Trifectagirl no longer with us, the structure this school will provide may well be needed, especially if J is likely to reproduce his father's report cards! I've been asked why I'm getting his name on the list now for Year 7 entry in 2023. For entry at any level, the school gives preference to brothers of current scholars and sons and grandsons of old scholars. Since J is in neither of these categories, I want his name as far up the 'unconnected' list as I can get it. It doesn't mean we have to accept any place offered, but right now I need to set up the opportunity to get an opportunity to go there.
Sunday, 21 April 2013
Disconnection
With all the various first anniversaries having started, I've been feeling generally disconnected and getting really flat. I've heard through the widow community that some find year two harder than year one. I'm coming to the conclusion I'm in that category.
I've found I've been far more conscious of the absence of Mr Trifectagirl since those anniversaries rolled around - it's like a spotlight has been focused on what's missing. I also think there is an element of slowing down now that all the administrative stuff that needs to happen after someone dies is done. The reality of life without him is coming into sharper focus.
In 2008 both my mum and step-dad passed six months apart. My step-dad's passing happened to coincide with my retrenchment from my job, so I had a payout to live off of. After an intense year, plus the stress of clearing out a property, I wound up taking 6 months off before I felt like I could go back to work.
Since Mr Trifectagirl passed, I've taken a total of 5 weeks off work. Some of the motivation of not taking time was that initially I felt like I didn't need the time off - to keep busy with work and taking on study felt like what I needed at that time.
My body's been saying regularly that I need to take time by giving me recurrent sinus infections, but I've not listened. So now my brain and body have definitively said enough's enough - time to stop pushing yourself.
In the past month I started jettisoning extra load. I first cancelled travel plans for July - 4 weeks travelling across the US alone with a toddler just did not seem like an enjoyable break. Then I dropped one of my uni subjects.
Two weeks later, it became obvious that eliminating those two pressures/commitments was not enough, so on medical advice, I have finished work 11 weeks earlier than planned. I'm disappointed that I won't see out the end of the program, but thinking with my management brain, it's better they have as long as possible with someone back-filling my role to ensure a solid wrap-up.
Keeping healthy for J, and spending more time with him, is much more important right now.
I've found I've been far more conscious of the absence of Mr Trifectagirl since those anniversaries rolled around - it's like a spotlight has been focused on what's missing. I also think there is an element of slowing down now that all the administrative stuff that needs to happen after someone dies is done. The reality of life without him is coming into sharper focus.
In 2008 both my mum and step-dad passed six months apart. My step-dad's passing happened to coincide with my retrenchment from my job, so I had a payout to live off of. After an intense year, plus the stress of clearing out a property, I wound up taking 6 months off before I felt like I could go back to work.
Since Mr Trifectagirl passed, I've taken a total of 5 weeks off work. Some of the motivation of not taking time was that initially I felt like I didn't need the time off - to keep busy with work and taking on study felt like what I needed at that time.
My body's been saying regularly that I need to take time by giving me recurrent sinus infections, but I've not listened. So now my brain and body have definitively said enough's enough - time to stop pushing yourself.
In the past month I started jettisoning extra load. I first cancelled travel plans for July - 4 weeks travelling across the US alone with a toddler just did not seem like an enjoyable break. Then I dropped one of my uni subjects.
Two weeks later, it became obvious that eliminating those two pressures/commitments was not enough, so on medical advice, I have finished work 11 weeks earlier than planned. I'm disappointed that I won't see out the end of the program, but thinking with my management brain, it's better they have as long as possible with someone back-filling my role to ensure a solid wrap-up.
Keeping healthy for J, and spending more time with him, is much more important right now.
Sunday, 31 March 2013
Blessing Others
One of the mammoth tasks I've had with Mr Trifectagirl's passing is clearing out the storage locker.
The rental came up for renewal a short time after he got sick, and we paid a year in advance, so we didn't have to worry about it for a while.
Of course, that's about to come up again so we're madly trying to get it done so we don't have to pay for more than one more month.
We've nearly cleared out all the boxes that I had nothing to do with packing and putting in there. These are the boxes that came from my mother-in-law's house when she moved into a nursing home, and that Mr Trifectagirl and his ex brought home from the UK. There are still quite a few boxes I put in there, but most of the 'unknowns' are dealt with.
Yesterday, I sorted through the pile of boxes we took out last weekend. In them, I found some gems like Mr Trifectagirl's school report cards and leaving certificate.
What I'm most thrilled about is we will be able to bless a needy family, or new arrival refugee family with pretty much a full kitchen, apart from crockery. It will be great to walk into a charity on Tuesday afternoon with a collection of boxes, and say 'you will be able to set up a family'.
The rental came up for renewal a short time after he got sick, and we paid a year in advance, so we didn't have to worry about it for a while.
Of course, that's about to come up again so we're madly trying to get it done so we don't have to pay for more than one more month.
We've nearly cleared out all the boxes that I had nothing to do with packing and putting in there. These are the boxes that came from my mother-in-law's house when she moved into a nursing home, and that Mr Trifectagirl and his ex brought home from the UK. There are still quite a few boxes I put in there, but most of the 'unknowns' are dealt with.
Yesterday, I sorted through the pile of boxes we took out last weekend. In them, I found some gems like Mr Trifectagirl's school report cards and leaving certificate.
What I'm most thrilled about is we will be able to bless a needy family, or new arrival refugee family with pretty much a full kitchen, apart from crockery. It will be great to walk into a charity on Tuesday afternoon with a collection of boxes, and say 'you will be able to set up a family'.
Saturday, 30 March 2013
Anniversaries and Holidays
Mr Trifectagirl's birthday was on St Patrick's day, which also happens to coincide with the anniversary of him getting sick. To observe this anniversary, a group of his friends and I went to the restaurant we were at last year. I was apprehensive but enjoyed the day and the food is still fantastic. This was the third year in a row we've been there for his birthday.
And I've spent most of the time since then sick, overloaded and just generally feeling like crap. Not surprising since this is one of the big anniversaries, but I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Today's Widow's Voice blog post sums it up well (this blog, part of the US based Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation, has been a fantastic resource).
J still has sleep issues. He generally sleeps through, which I'm thankful for, but "sleeping through" is between him going down around 9pm and up anywhere from 5am. Which sucks if you're not a morning person.
Due to having a toddler running around in the evenings who requires a railroad engineer, story book reader and human jumping castle, I've struggled to keep up with my uni work, so have dropped my statistics subject. Thankfully the census date, which is the cut-off for paying for the subject, is tomorrow so I made that decision just in time.
I was planning to travel to the US over the mid-year break to meet a whole bunch of wonderful women who have supported me through infertility, pregnancy, parenthood, and Mr Trifectagirl's illness and passing. But the thought of travelling all over the continent, alone, with an over-active 2 year old for 4 weeks just did not sound like fun, so have cancelled those plans.
Now that I'm down to a hopefully more sensible load, I'll be able to cope with the 3 month run to the end of my job and the start of my time as a full time student again.
And I've spent most of the time since then sick, overloaded and just generally feeling like crap. Not surprising since this is one of the big anniversaries, but I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Today's Widow's Voice blog post sums it up well (this blog, part of the US based Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation, has been a fantastic resource).
J still has sleep issues. He generally sleeps through, which I'm thankful for, but "sleeping through" is between him going down around 9pm and up anywhere from 5am. Which sucks if you're not a morning person.
Due to having a toddler running around in the evenings who requires a railroad engineer, story book reader and human jumping castle, I've struggled to keep up with my uni work, so have dropped my statistics subject. Thankfully the census date, which is the cut-off for paying for the subject, is tomorrow so I made that decision just in time.
I was planning to travel to the US over the mid-year break to meet a whole bunch of wonderful women who have supported me through infertility, pregnancy, parenthood, and Mr Trifectagirl's illness and passing. But the thought of travelling all over the continent, alone, with an over-active 2 year old for 4 weeks just did not sound like fun, so have cancelled those plans.
Now that I'm down to a hopefully more sensible load, I'll be able to cope with the 3 month run to the end of my job and the start of my time as a full time student again.
Sunday, 10 March 2013
I thought my kid would be able to do that...
Last night my sister and I took our respective little boys to Granite Island to see the fairy penguins at dusk. Well, as much as a 2 year old and 5 month old will cooperate with that plan.
Visiting the island to see the penguins was a stock-standard of our childhood and school camps. And the penguins were everywhere. In fact one of my best friends and I spoke for the first time on the bus on the way back to our accommodation after the visit our class made for our Year 8 'get to know you' camp (for US readers, year 8 is the first year of high school in South Australia).
So N and I were expecting to see the hundreds of them that you used to see when we were kids.
I had heard numbers were in trouble, but was gobsmacked to hear they're down to 26 birds!!
Down from 2000 birds around ten years ago.
As J was not a happy camper while the guide was filling us in, so I didn't really hear the reasons, but apparently one main one is there has been an explosion of seal numbers. And fairy penguins are quite yummy to seals.
On the drive home, N and I were saying we thought this is one of those things we'd always be able to do with our kids at any time - turns out we may not be able to.
Visiting the island to see the penguins was a stock-standard of our childhood and school camps. And the penguins were everywhere. In fact one of my best friends and I spoke for the first time on the bus on the way back to our accommodation after the visit our class made for our Year 8 'get to know you' camp (for US readers, year 8 is the first year of high school in South Australia).
So N and I were expecting to see the hundreds of them that you used to see when we were kids.
I had heard numbers were in trouble, but was gobsmacked to hear they're down to 26 birds!!
Down from 2000 birds around ten years ago.
As J was not a happy camper while the guide was filling us in, so I didn't really hear the reasons, but apparently one main one is there has been an explosion of seal numbers. And fairy penguins are quite yummy to seals.
On the drive home, N and I were saying we thought this is one of those things we'd always be able to do with our kids at any time - turns out we may not be able to.
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