Bridget Jones - Critisisms and Lessons

Having seen the spoilers, out of curiosity I read the new Bridget Jones' Diary instalment. 

My curiosity was how was someone who may not know the widow experience*, write about the widow experience?  Honestly, pretty well, taking into account it is Bridget Jones we're talking about, and she is 5 years into the journey & I'm 18 months.  At least in part, her experience is familiar to me.  Particularly being left on your own to raise young children. 

The widowhood experience is something that is very, very difficult to comprehend until you've been there.  I had not concept before it happened, and the reviews I've read seem to support that; I don't feel there is a widow amongst the critics I've read.  So the book is generally being panned.

Firstly, it was never going to be a contender for the Man Booker - it's chick-lit people.  Take it as such.

One comment that crops up is she's again a singleton/cougar, therefore reverting to type.

Firstly, she's still Bridget. And the singleton/dating scenario is the premise of her character - it's what the first two books were about, why wouldn't the third? 

And I hate to break the 'happy happy joy joy' view that spouses don't up and die on you until you've reached a ripe old age, but we widows are out there. In large numbers. You'll be surprised how many younger widows (and widowers) there are from accidents, suicide, cancer and other medical conditions and illnesses.  And some do want to re-partner down the track, so the fact Bridget's looking (and frankly, only starts at the 5 year mark, with the pressure of her friends - without that she may not have), is also a reality.  This doesn't even cover those divorcees who also find themselves single again in their 30's, 40's and 50's.

Another critique is that she's still a social klutz.  Again, she's still Bridget.  Mark's influence may well have reduced some of those tendencies through her marriage, but the stress and trauma of widowhood may well have brought them out in force again. Widowhood does change your world view and may change your personality in part, but it's not necessarily a complete personality transplant, which one critic I read seemed to expect.  In fact, that she was a social klutz to start with it's not surprising, she remains one. "Widow brain" (that I've heard a lot of long-timers talk about still experiencing, and may be a PTSD manifestation), is likely to amplify rather than dull this trait of Bridget's. The descriptor of 'foundering' by another character actually describes the experience pretty well; floundering is also apt.

Some raise a timing issue of Bridget being 51, with her youngest child a 5 year old.  This rankled with me initially too, but on reflection, we don't know if both kids were the result of a long effort of assisted reproduction (ART), or even egg donor.  It's possible for the 5 year old to be from a Frozen Embryo Transfer.  And it's her contemporaneous diary, there's no real reason for her to mention it (except for back-story, and Fielding chose not to cover it in back story).  That it's automatically assumed that both are natural pregnancies also shouts to the lack of familiarity in the broader world with the infertility experience. Heck, I did it and I HAVE the IF experience!

Some may argue that Bridget talks about Mark's death, why not any (potential) ART?  Having also been through both, you tend to focus on and re-visit the loss of your husband, not what it took to have your child(ren).  And the loss of a spouse is something that hums away in the background and then intensifies to crippling clarity at the drop of a hat.  It's something I've learned to expect to be life-long.

Early in the book it's mentioned that Mark left her a wealthy woman - this is another of the criticisms; that she's rich so it's not reality. First, they were wealthy to start with, and rich people die, too.  Plus he had made sure everything was in place, just in case - as is stated in the book.

Although really just a passing comment, this is the biggest lesson I see to the general readership of the book.  Mark had made sure that his family would be secure.  Mr Trifectagirl and I had not gotten around to getting things in place even though we'd planned to, but our superannuation system meant I've at least been left with a secure roof over J and I's head.   I've encountered a number of widows both on and off line that are not so secure. There was no insurance, or no ability to get insurance, or limited superannuation. They have no choice but to work, and/or they loose their homes when they're still in the depths of grief.  Making sure both partners are adequately insured to keep the family secure is a great lesson from the book.

The upshot is there were moments that cut close to the bone, but it was an overall enjoyable, easy chick-lit read giving an insight into the widow experience through the lens of Bridget Jones.


*in checking, no Helen Fielding has not experienced widowhood. She's obviously done some good research in writing this book. 

Anniversaries and Holidays

Mr Trifectagirl's birthday was on St Patrick's day, which also happens to coincide with the anniversary of him getting sick.  To observe this anniversary, a group of his friends and I went to the restaurant we were at last year.  I was apprehensive but enjoyed the day and the food is still fantastic.  This was the third year in a row we've been there for his birthday.

And I've spent most of the time since then sick, overloaded and just generally feeling like crap.  Not surprising since this is one of the big anniversaries, but I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.  Today's Widow's Voice blog post sums it up well (this blog, part of the US based Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation, has been a fantastic resource).  

J still has sleep issues.  He generally sleeps through, which I'm thankful for, but "sleeping through" is between him going down around 9pm and up anywhere from 5am.  Which sucks if you're not a morning person.

Due to having a toddler running around in the evenings who requires a railroad engineer, story book reader and human jumping castle, I've struggled to keep up with my uni work, so have dropped my statistics subject.  Thankfully the census date, which is the cut-off for paying for the subject, is tomorrow so I made that decision just in time.

I was planning to travel to the US over the mid-year break to meet a whole bunch of wonderful women who have supported me through infertility, pregnancy, parenthood, and Mr Trifectagirl's illness and passing.  But the thought of travelling all over the continent, alone, with an over-active 2 year old for 4 weeks just did not sound like fun, so have cancelled those plans.

Now that I'm down to a hopefully more sensible load, I'll be able to cope with the 3 month run to the end of my job and the start of my time as a full time student again.

Seasonal Run-Around

I've made it part-way through my first holiday season without Mr Trifectagirl. 

I'd hoped to be able to keep all the things Mr Trifectagirl and I did last year with J, but some I decided against on practical grounds.  And of course best laid plans and all that...

I'd hoped to go to our Zoo's member picnic held on the first Sunday in December, like we did last year, but just wasn't up to dealing with J on my own in that environment.  It is at least a two-adult event at the moment.  Instead we went to our church's annual street party which directly clashes with the picnic.   

On December 14th, which was the 6 month anniversary of Mr Trifectagirl's passing, I had hoped to take J to see a particular light display we went to last year - I'd really like it to become a tradition of that's what we do that day. But of course the stress of the anniversary had me sick with bronchitis and sinusitis.    My sister, her 10 week old son, J and I finally got there on the 21st.

The anniversary was hard - I was sick, over-tired because J was sick, and work circumstances lead to a massive amount of pressure.  So not so unexpectedly I had a melt-down and am now on a 3 week break (it was only going to be 10 days) to recharge. 

Also on December 14th our Elf arrived.  I must say, having to only come up with 10 hiding ideas makes this a good date to choose!  After a couple of days J got the concept and started looking each morning for where the elf had moved to. It was cute to watch him check the last couple of places before he found it.   The elf is still unnamed - we'll do that next year. 

One of my uni crowds had our usual pre-Christmas catch up on the weekend before Christmas.  J loves water so was happy as a clam once he figured out the slip-n-slide that was set up to deal with the 39C temps.  The next morning he also started copying one of the older children's bowling action.

Christmas Eve was spent catching up with friends and J performing in the church children's nativity.  Unfortunately for me during the rehearsals he discovered the organ niche, so kept making a bee-line for it. We usually sit up the back, so there are plenty of people to catch him if he makes a break for it one Sunday!

Christmas Day started with pancakes and gifts for J- he was rather spoilt, but I kept it relatively in check with the 4 gift rule of something you want, something you need, something to wear and something to read.  His stocking had a bit more stuff in it, and I won't go as overboard next year.  The Christmas morning church service was followed by a lovely long lunch - once my MIL's access cab showed up.

Boxing Day my sister and I brought forward our usual "get each other tickets to a musical" gift and went to see Les Mis.  Both loving the musical, we enjoyed it, but also had some critiques.

Last night I caught up with a bunch of girlfriends and another friend on his biannual trip home from London over dinner.  Good food, good company and a lovely night all up.  Topped off with J staying at the grandparents place, so I got to sleep in! 

I just have New Years Eve to get through now, which will be spent with friends.  Then I start the first calendar year without Mr Trifectagirl.

School Ties

Friday night I attended my 20 year Australian high school reunion.  Or as Mr Trifectagirl used to say 'Girls College'.

Thanks to facebook, many of us caught up a number of years ago, but this was a mile-stone reunion that far-flung classmates made the effort to travel back home to attend.   

Watching the interactions at the reunion and the noise level from the chatter that hasn't decreased with time (seriously, how did our teachers cope??!?!?), it felt like there hadn't been 20 odd years since we were all in a room together. Including those of us there that left the school before the end of high-school, or came in later years. 

It was really wonderful to see how successful we've all been in whatever we've gone on in life to do - professional careers, personal interests, personal lives and parenthood. 

Parents often consider how the school they select for their children can contribute to their child's future success - class sizes, facilities, choice of subjects, extra-curricular opportunities, final exam results, university acceptances, and so on.

Although this was and is a good school on many of those criteria, getting together got me thinking.

Maybe not only the reasons our parents sent us to this school contributed to our indivudial successes later in life, but the thing that is simply luck of the draw - the fortuitous mix of personalities, skills interests and talents that our class was.  

To the ladies of SDPC Class of '92 - congratulations on all we've achieved so far, and here's to every success for the next 20 years. 

I'll need to tell...

On Friday I took J to our Royal Show for the first time (screaming disaster and a whole 'nother post) and happened to bump into Mr Trifectagirl's friends R and his wife A.

The Show is an agricultural event with horse competitions, animal competitions (beef and dairy cattle, sheep, pigs, dogs, cats, birds - the whole kit and kaboodle), baking, arts and crafts competitions, farm machinery (for sale. Who in the city has need for a combine harvester??), various small-scale food producers, a barn-yard nursery for the youngsters and then side-show alley for the screaming teenagers. Since schools rotate on having a day off for 'show day',  I figured it was the show day for one of the schools their children go to, so they'd come along to the Show.   

Turns out the family was there as the two children were competing for the first time in the harness pony competitions. So we wander back to meet up with his wife and the rest of 'Team Tink'.

As we watch and down coffee to warm up, the kids come 4th in their first classification.  

Mr Trifectagirl would have been so thrilled for them, and more so with their follow-up success with coming first in the next classification they competed in, and their daughter taking out the title for best junior baker! 

It's taken nearly 3 months, but this was the first really strong sensation of 'I need to tell Mr Trifectagirl when I get home, he'll be upset he missed it'.  

The hard part was remembering he's not here to tell.